i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.