at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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