So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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