Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
