I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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