That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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