Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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