this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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