remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
birth control should be required to get into college
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
