I met the friendliest cop last night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
