My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
