My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
