i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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