I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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