I'm so fucking centered right now
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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