Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
