so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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