So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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