Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
