Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
