her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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