I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
