It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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