i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
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We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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