As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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