a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Success! We fucked roommates!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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