go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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