I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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