My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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