she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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