hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
