Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
