The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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