I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
