I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
