I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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