i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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