I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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