Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
