Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
