You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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