Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
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Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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