I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
A+ Viking dick
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
