I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
