New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
