i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
