I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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