Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
