Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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