So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
