suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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