Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
