Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
