remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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