yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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