My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
