ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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