I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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