Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.