just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
